Why marriage is like potty training

Wedded Wisdom from my GirlfriendsBecky Kopitzke happens to be the team member at The MOM Initiative who has a pink trampoline in her living room. She is also a freelance writer, dreamer, potty trainer, lunch packer, snowman builder and sidewalk chalk artist. Doesn’t she sound like the kinda gal you wanna meet for lunch? Me too.

She lives with her devoted husband and their two young daughters in northeast Wisconsin, and she is a gal who believes parenting is one of God’s greatest tools for building our faith, character, and strength—and it’s not always pretty. Becky leads a women’s small group Bible study at her church, where she also sings on the worship team. She and her husband are grateful for God’s grace and wisdom as they spend their days tripping over stuffed animals in the hallway, cutting crusts off of peanut butter sandwiches, and watching countless Dora re-runs. It’s a beautiful, ordinary, blessed-beyond-measure life.

I created a potty monster.

The first time my toddler tinkled in the potty chair, I cheered. For months I’d been desperate to slash the diapers from our grocery bill, and at last my daughter agreed.

“I’m a big girl!” She raised her hands above her head and clapped.

“Yes, you are!” I jiggled a happy dance on the bathroom tile. “And now you get a jelly bean!”Marriage still in diapers?

She earned six more jelly beans before that day was through. And again the next day, and the next. Forget the diapers—now suddenly I dared to imagine scratching Pull-Ups from the shopping list, too. What a deal!

But then. About a week into our potty adventure, I lounged on a cozy chair in the family room. Kids were in bed, lamps were dimmed, and I reached for a book on the ottoman when a button nose poked around the sofa.

“Mommy, I have to go potty.”

“Okay, thanks for telling me. It’s past bedtime, though, so let’s make tinkles and go straight to sleep.”

“Yep, Mom, I sure will.” She smiled, squatted, and shuffled back to bed.

The next night, it happened again—twice. The following night, three times. Soon she was tapping my pillow at 2 a.m. insisting she had to go potty. Nature called on playground dates, shopping trips, chiropractor appointments, and car rides across town. One morning my daughter yanked down her pants every five minutes, expecting me to assist and cheer.

But I didn’t feel like cheering anymore. That potty chair was interrupting my life. And I had asked for this?

Potty training is hard work, I grumbled. I should just slap a diaper on her bum and give up. Life was easier before the potty chair! Do you ever feel that way about marriage?

At first, newlywed life is exciting. Surely I’ll be happy now, we think, with this man by my side. But then one day that man leaves his socks on the floor. He forgets a birthday. He works late while his frazzled wife swaddles colicky babies at home. And we discover—marriage is hard work. It begs forgiveness and self-sacrifice. It demands our attention, our agenda, and the deepest places of our heart.

Until sometimes we just don’t feel like cheering anymore.

  • He didn’t like my casserole? Fine. No more new recipes. He can eat hot dogs all week.
  • We’re tripping over laundry baskets, and he hasn’t offered to fold a single towel. Am I the maid around here? Well, this maid is keeping her uniform buttoned tight tonight, if you know what I mean.
  • I told him how I feel, and he laughed. Forget it. I won’t share my heart anymore.

Do you see? Giving up seems easier at first. But the risk of withdrawing is to wake up one day and realize our marriage hasn’t grown. It’s still in diapers.

Which brings me back to my potty monster. Of course I won’t let her go to kindergarten a few years from now still stashing Pampers in her backpack. Potty training is a necessary growing pain. Without it we’ll never reach the next stage of maturity. And so it goes with marriage. When we persevere through the tough spots, our relationship grows up.

“Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything,” (James 1:4).

So I decided—I’m ditching the diapers and the Pull-Ups. Can you guess what’s on my shopping list now?

Disney princess undies.

Oh, yeah. Bring it on.

Becky Kopitzke

  Read more from Becky at Time Out Devotions for Moms.
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By Julie Sanders

Marriage Monday: Waking Up

There’s not a season of the year when marriage help is not needed for us to have stronger homes and meaningful relationships. Marriage Mondays this summer are all about introducing you to some of my girlfriends and their full hearts. I loved how Joanne Kraft kicked things off last week for this Summer of Wedded Wisdom. Today I want to introduce you to my gentle, prayerful, hubby-loving, joyful friend Holly Smith. I’m pretty sure I need to be her next door neighbor some time in this life!

How to have a happy marriage and marriage advice
Waking Up

I had been praying about it for a couple of months, and God answered in the most unusual, but faithful way. This is what I prayed, “Lord, please wake my Chris up—make him fully engaged in life again–for he is sleep-walking. Wake him up, Father.”

So God did. He sent a friend first of all. The friend offered a challenge and invitation for my Chris to participate in a mission trip to India—to design something, life-giving and life-saving for these people. That spoke Chris’ language. I saw the tears and I saw the awakening gradually begin.

That evening came another type of news from our mortgage company. We were behind in payments and if we did not get things in order, we would be on the road to foreclosure. Now let me say it plainly. Chris did not intentionally let us fall behind. He was not fully aware. But he also was not fully awake. And when we stop watching, guarding and being on the alert, we miss important choices. To fail to choose is to not choose.

He was fully awake that October day! We got back-to-back in the fight. I believe this is key in any marriage issue. We choose to be on the same team. We choose to fight against all forces together. We choose to forgive. We choose to love.

The overflow is that God took this awakening opportunity to raise up not only miraculous help that was beyond our ability, but also He awakened the giant in my husband—the one who fights for family, who is fully alert and who wants other families to not miss one opportunity.

It was a gift in disguise.

Today we are on the last month of paying the missed payments back. By month’s end, we will be fully out of debt, except for a very small mortgage payment. We will also be on the road to saving – for the first time in our marriage of 22 years! We have seen God’s provision and we are making Him known in the way we share our story—the good, the bad and the ugly.

Chris is now leading a men’s Bible study in our home. He’s sharing our testimony. He has been invited to serve as a deacon at our church. He is leading our family with eyes wide open. No more is he sleeping. He is in God’s Word, prayerful and watchful—our family’s point man. Every step he takes is purposeful and under the Holy Spirit’s leading. He is also watching over our finances in a way unlike he has ever watched before—he has learned and grown so much!

I, too, am fully awake. I have found freedom in forgiveness, in choosing to not say—it’s your fault. But what shall we do together now? For I know this is OUR problem and we shall face it together. “Two are better than one for if one falls down the other can help them up,” the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:9.

Most of us live like we have fallen asleep. We try to satiate the aching holes in our soul by feeding on mindless things. I am guilty of this for sure. To relax, I want to watch something that will not make me think–maybe laugh–but thinking is something that I try to turn off. I want to accomplish the things I have to, while doing something I like that somehow entertains me. As a nation, we rely on empty entertainment. Silence is a lost art.

Silence can be a springboard for waking up. For we use noise and entertainment to numb the pains of life. I know. For I have done it myself.

Recently my Chris traveled out of the country for the week with work. During that time, I made myself be silent rather than turning on the TV, radio or calling somebody. In the silences, I found a refuge of strength and healing in my spirit. I would be on the cusp of tears, as I missed my Chris so much. But also, I realized that some of our usual daily habits (staying up too late, falling into a mindless routine) were not happening. Perhaps as a couple–as a family even–we need to mix it up a little. We need to wake up!

For the groundwork we are laying in our families—it is of utmost importance. It may seem trivial now. But one day, we will find it was the means by which God did the most effective and active works we have ever seen. Those works will count throughout the generations—they will be told and re-told. And it all began with a prayer, obedience, watchfulness and silence. It all began with God, who invited us from the start.

About Holly Smith

Holly SmithHolly loves her job as wife to Chris and mom to Noah, Kylie, Tabor and Sydney. God has gifted Holly with a love of all things creative ~ from painting and wall papering to scrap-booking and design work. In addition to co-founding and managing A Martha Heart, she designs web pages (www.crownlaiddowndesigns.com) and marketing pieces. She also participates with a wonderful team of moms in writing at The M.O.M. Initiative. Holly and her family make their home within site of year ’round snow-capped mountains in Colorado. She can be reached by emailing Holly@amarthaheart.com or connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/HollyGorinSmith.  Read more from Holly’s heart at:  www.amarthaheart.com

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By Julie Sanders

Summer Squash Boats

Your grill is calling your name this weekend. Even a little grill with charcoal  turns a plain June weekend supper into something that faintly sounds like “vacation.” You’ll feel relaxed just from smelling the aroma and listening to the sizzle, not to mention carving up your barbecue chicken or burgers or portabellos. Ahhhh … summer flavor for Feed Me Friday!

So let me inspire you with a recent side dish from our family grill. Summer zucchini boats are simple to make, and you can watch this cool slideshow of how-to photos below! To make a side dish that feeds 4, here’s what I did.

Summer zucchini boats

2 zucchini (each cut in half, seeds cut out, and then a “notch” cut in each slab)
1/2 sweet onion (or more if there’s no smooching to follow), cut in rings
1 medium tomato, chopped
3/4 cup cooked rice (brown or white) – great use for leftover rice!
olive oil
sea salt
about 1/2 cup shredded cheese of your choice (I used Mexican)

  • Put a little piece of foil on the grill where you’ll put the onions.
  • Heat the grill to medium-high.
  • Grill the onions with a little drizzle of olive oil.
  • Lay the zucchini on the grill and cook for about 5 minutes.
  • Flip the zucchini and brush/drizzle each with a little olive olive.
  • Sprinkle zucchini with a little bit of sea salt.
  • Grill all for 5 more minutes and remove with tongs.

Breath in big whiffs of grill smoke while you wait. Say “mmmmm,” close your eyes, and think of the beach!

  • Mix together the rice & tomatoes.
  • Lay grilled onions into the zucchini boats.
  • Pack rice/tomato mixture in a slight mound over the onions.
  • Top with shredded cheese of your choice.
  • Return the boats to the closed grill (on a top rack if you have it, but not right on the grill) OR even better, broil for just about 4 minutes on medium heat until the cheese melts.

Serve as a fresh and healthy side dish OR as a main vegetarian dish. This works great for a Feed Me Friday, Saturday, Sunday … or any week day in between!
Be sure to watch the slideshow of how-to steps and enjoy!

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By Julie Sanders